I’m watching this motion picture in slow motion, but everyone’s moving too fast. I want to run before I’m lost in the crowd, don’t let me lose you again. But we’re always losing, aren’t we? You’re looking at girls that look so much more beautiful. If I stopped eating meals and dressed in skirts that barely cover my ass, would you send a kiss in the mail? I miss screaming. I miss crying. I miss smiling like there was something to smile about. When did life slow down? When did you all start moving so fast?
Days are the like the rain drops pouring from the sky, bringing storms and rainbows as they come and go. If I drown in this foolishness, would you walk away like you always do? I want to say, “I love you and you mean everything to me.” But as tradition goes, I’m supposed to be chased by the boys, right? Well, what if no one wants me? No one would ever bother chasing me. I write sappy poems that don’t rhyme no matter how hard I try. I walk in to stores and walk out crying because I can’t look in a mirror without hating the way I look. I sing because I hope you’ll tell me I sound beautiful. I plaster on a smile and hope to god that you’ll love me too.
Why are girls so beautiful? Why can’t I be beautiful like the rest of them? Is it because I won’t go under a knife? Or because I don’t depend on some obscure boy toy? I hate myself for never being able to feel beautiful. I want to be skinny. I want to have the willpower to get what I want. But everytime I think about beauty, you’re in my head again and I feel like swallowing as many painkillers as it takes to close this gaping hole in my heart. I need you like an addict. That’s what I am. I’m addicted to your smile, you eyes, your words, and my imagination. Why the hell do I have to be so fucking ugly?
I want to carve out my heart so it won’t matter anymore. I want to lock myself in my room so I can’t ever eat again. I want to stick my fingers down my throat until my truth burns away. I want to die because I won’t ever be able to do what I want. Burn me alive, it’s more than I deserve. I’ll close my eyes and drown in the darkness. Don’t wake me up from this dream. The angel of death just became the sand man.
If I was just invisible, maybe I could breathe again. I don’t want to let this breath out in fear that you might just notice me again. I stumble over my words like I’ve only got one leg. And my palms start sweating because I won’t let you make me cry again. “We never were and never will be.” Whew, that was close. I almost got my hopes up again. I’m sorry if I disappointed you, my job is fucking up; and yours is fucking her.
This is the end of “Rikki”. I’m done with being who I am. Surrender is my anthem and silence is my weapon. <bI'm not who I thought I was.