The End Of An Era Is Just The Sound Of Breaking Hearts

I’m watching this motion picture in slow motion, but everyone’s moving too fast. I want to run before I’m lost in the crowd, don’t let me lose you again. But we’re always losing, aren’t we? You’re looking at girls that look so much more beautiful. If I stopped eating meals and dressed in skirts that barely cover my ass, would you send a kiss in the mail? I miss screaming. I miss crying. I miss smiling like there was something to smile about. When did life slow down? When did you all start moving so fast?

Days are the like the rain drops pouring from the sky, bringing storms and rainbows as they come and go. If I drown in this foolishness, would you walk away like you always do? I want to say, “I love you and you mean everything to me.” But as tradition goes, I’m supposed to be chased by the boys, right? Well, what if no one wants me? No one would ever bother chasing me. I write sappy poems that don’t rhyme no matter how hard I try. I walk in to stores and walk out crying because I can’t look in a mirror without hating the way I look. I sing because I hope you’ll tell me I sound beautiful. I plaster on a smile and hope to god that you’ll love me too.

Why are girls so beautiful? Why can’t I be beautiful like the rest of them? Is it because I won’t go under a knife? Or because I don’t depend on some obscure boy toy? I hate myself for never being able to feel beautiful. I want to be skinny. I want to have the willpower to get what I want. But everytime I think about beauty, you’re in my head again and I feel like swallowing as many painkillers as it takes to close this gaping hole in my heart. I need you like an addict. That’s what I am. I’m addicted to your smile, you eyes, your words, and my imagination. Why the hell do I have to be so fucking ugly?

I want to carve out my heart so it won’t matter anymore. I want to lock myself in my room so I can’t ever eat again. I want to stick my fingers down my throat until my truth burns away. I want to die because I won’t ever be able to do what I want. Burn me alive, it’s more than I deserve. I’ll close my eyes and drown in the darkness. Don’t wake me up from this dream. The angel of death just became the sand man.

If I was just invisible, maybe I could breathe again. I don’t want to let this breath out in fear that you might just notice me again. I stumble over my words like I’ve only got one leg. And my palms start sweating because I won’t let you make me cry again. “We never were and never will be.” Whew, that was close. I almost got my hopes up again. I’m sorry if I disappointed you, my job is fucking up; and yours is fucking her.

This is the end of “Rikki”. I’m done with being who I am. Surrender is my anthem and silence is my weapon. <bI'm not who I thought I was.


The End Of An Era Is Just The Sound Of Breaking Hearts

Peace Upon You And Your New Me; I’m Letting You Get Away

Do you remember when we were best friends? It feels like so long ago. I haven’t spoken to you; do you even remember what I look like? Was it all real? I don’t know who I am anymore. Although, I’m not sure if I could blame that on you. Sometimes I miss talking to you. Or is it that I miss having someone that wanted to talk to me? Do you remember when we vowed to be best friends and at out high school reunion we would laugh about our foolish younger years? But I don’t see you every day anymore. We don’t talk anymore. Are you half as lonely as you’re making me feel?

I want to cry and feel human again. I want to live through heart break; I want to fall in love. I want a friend to share my secrets. I’ve got cold novacaine running through my veins. I can’t feel you there anymore. I can’t feel anymore. I think I lost myself. I left the little shards of my heart in every memory and I can’t get them back anymore. I’m a living corpse, filled with nothing. I’m a robot. Was I ever alive? I don’t can’t remember what it was like to be a teenage girl. Bleed me out. What happened to me?

Forgive me for disappointing you. Forgive me for not being perfect.

I’m folding 1,000 paper cranes. Do you know what I’m wishing for? I want to find my soul mate. I need proof that they exist. Is it possible to find someone that is meant for you? Someone that knows and appreciates all your little quirks. Someone that hugs you tightly when you scream and fight them. Someone that says, “I love you. Even if you’ll never feel the same way.” Someone that doesn’t compare me to any other girl. Someone that tells me, “you don’t have to be perfect because you’re everything I need.” Someone who’s maybe a little too cliche. Someone that watches chick-flicks with me and responds with, “you deserve better than him and me.” Is it possible to find this perfect love?

Poisonous Lips & Venomous Eyes
Beauty lies within
Like a developed roll of film
I’m wide open and waiting,
This love is everything.

Spider webs devour me
You’re everything I wanted to be
Dark blue silent sky
I don’t think I’m ready to die.

Break down, it’s a good time
You can’t always just wait in line
I kissed the lips of the poison dove.
Close your eyes, we’ll fall in love.

Serpent tongued wit
Aren’t we a nasty fit?
How far are we from perfection?
I know this isn’t the right direction.

Soul mate. I give up on waiting. I’m wishing on every star and paper crane that I’ll find you.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [can’t feel her pulse anymore]

Peace Upon You And Your New Me; I’m Letting You Get Away

Novocaine Numbing My Screaming Deja Vu

You’re always blaming it on
Whatever you can get your hands on
Taking the fall for everything I’ve never done
I can only separate the days by the sun

It’s like I’m trying to scream
And you never took one for the team
Writing my lies and excuses for nothing
You don’t have to yell, I’m not the one who isn’t listening

Pencil to paper from seven to nine
The rest of my job is saying, “I’m fine.”
I forfeit, you can all have your way
I’m tired of living another day.

Oh Mom, what ever happened to,
“I love you.”

I need a lifejacket because I’m drowning in my living room. You’re telling me everything that’s wrong with me, but I’ve heard this all before. This water scorches my throat, it’s doesn’t matter; I have no will to speak to you anymore. Is it okay if I just sob it out for a second. I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to fight anymore. Can you give me some more pills to fill ou this gaping hole? Or give me another in my head to match? I’m tired of failing.

I quit.


Novocaine Numbing My Screaming Deja Vu

Does It Ever Get Difficult To Drive Down That Driveway Lined With All The Hearts You’ve Broken?

Probe my thoughts and tell me it’s not wrong to be this way. But is it okay to be so horribly “unright”? I’m you antonym, your reason for death. Is it so wrong to wish I was the reason you cried? I want to feel something for once. I spin out smiles like Rumpelstiltskin spins out gold. The darkest of days are the brightest shade of white compared to my heart. Do you know what it’s like to be completely dead inside?

I think I’m finally okay with not being part of the little clique of anti-cliques. I’m the hypocrite that can’t change. I always wished you just accepted me. But I’m getting better. I haven’t talked to you in weeks, or does it simply feel like weeks because I’m so used to talking to you every day. I miss having someone to talk to, someone that actually would chose to be with me when they could be with someone else. But did I ever even have that? I remember all those times you ditched me for someone else. You can preach all you want about “chosing the people you spend time with”, but when no one is there for you to chose between it’s all just shit.

Would you be my best friend? Could we talk on the phone just about nothings? I need someone to hear my secrets. Will you laugh with me? Just talk to me, make me feel alive! I’m sorry, I’m sorry for being a bitch. I’m sorry for always ignoring you. “You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.” But I won’t learn, I know I won’t. I never do. And I wish I could find my soulmate, the one that will finally stay when I ask them to leave. I think that’s what I’m looking for. I keep testing these people, hoping they’ll pick me and stay. I should’ve learned by now, no one will ever pick me. I should settle for whoever wants me. Please. Will you take this rotting heart, kiss it better, and make everything okay again?

I like it when you smile. You’re the most beautiful person on this Earth. And whoever you may be… I love. Will you be my everything?

Less Than Three;
Rikki [is envy]

Does It Ever Get Difficult To Drive Down That Driveway Lined With All The Hearts You’ve Broken?

Your Best Skill Is Making Me Hate Myself

I don’t think I’ve ever loathed myself more than I do now. I feel useless and numb… actually I wish I was numb. Because then you wouldn’t scream at me everytime I cry. But you’re right, you always are. I’m just some three year old girl playing dress-up. Maybe I’ll be superwoman tomorrow. I wish I could burn my soul away; separate myself from everything and everyone. I’ve found that I don’t hate myself from comparing myself to everyone else (or at least not always), it’s more that I just hate every inch of my soul, mind, and body. I don’t want to feel this life smothering me anymore.

Is it possible to hate yourself to death? And I’m not talking about suicide. Because I’m too much of a wimp to just jump in front of a car. Truthfully, I hate that about me; why can’t I just stand in the middle of a car and wait until a car forgets to stop. Maybe I could just swallow a shitload of pills. I’d go to sleep and hopefully I’d wake up dead. Do you think I could get someone to say, “thank you for using your one-way ticket to hell”? What pills actually cause you to never wake up? Because I’m ready, I hate this life of mine. I fail at life. Maybe my only A+ is in dying, so let’s get this show on the road.

Erase me from everything. Kill me. You’d better forget me, I’m only worth the lowest level of hell. Bleed scarlet, or bleed out the pain. Are you writing love on your arms? Oh well, I’m writing “I hate myself” on my ankle. This is a chemical reaction to too many screams in a car with the one person I wish I could please. Will you be my hero? Can you save me from this six foot ditch? Bury me. This mental suicide in my imperfect smile does hide. I like to believe I’m special, but when the time comes… I’d never tell you I truthfully believed that. I’ll never be the person you want. I’m just the epitome of disappointment. Let me out of this cage that’s ripping out my throat. I stopped screaming a while ago. I’m not sure if I’m even worth saving anymore.

1 Word For Everything You Wanted Me To Be (The Triumph of Death)

Tragically despicable,
Is it enough to make you cry?
I’ve been crying everyday
I’m sick of always being alive.

Crush my confidence
Into shards of a time
You make me wish
That I was worth a dime

Sinfully dreadful
Beautifully Lost
There’s death in the air.

Through teary eyes
I can see you smiling
You’re always that extraordinary
And I always wish this didn’t sting

When my heart is numb
And I’m everything I’m not
Will you smile because of me
Forget that this I once fought

Sinfully dreadful
Beautifully Lost
There’s death in the air.

I can taste it
I can breathe in the toxic
I’m gone, once and for all
Now you can find your perfect.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [lost herself somewhere in the palm of your hand]

Your Best Skill Is Making Me Hate Myself

I made some icons and pictures and shit. Don’t mock me for not having any skill.

damn hippie icon suck it up icon 

illusions icon pictureperfecticon

 don't want it icon

 keepondreaming banner

flyfree banner

The Lines…

“If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.”
Romeo, “Romeo and Juliet” by William Shakespeare

“Love is about being cute and stupid together,
Not being in bed together.”

“He looked at me & said,
‘Do you ever feel like you’re working
For something you’re never going to get?
You shoot-&-miss kind of deal.
Like, no matter what, you can’t have it,
But that makes you fight for it just a little bit more?’
I looked at him, stared at him for a second,
& replied, ‘everyday…'”