At Least Corpses Know When To Just Shut Up

Days feel longer when your face is the first thing I see when I close my eyes. We’re spinning in and out of control like all the merry-go-rounds we used to love; but it’s not so fun anymore. Your insults are only words when you break down every phrase and I wish that one day words wouldn’t make me cry. Words are worse than punches, leaving bruises where no doctor can heal them. How do I rephrase “I hope you die alone” to make it sound more sincere? Because I’ve got my lying face plastered all over me everytime you’re around. I’m stinging from trying my best for you.

Drop you head and don some insanity. Let’s scream from the roof tops, “I won’t let you hurt me anymore.” I’m done with covering my eyes so I’d never have to see you with her again. I’ve been infected with loving to hate you. Oh no, I think they’ve mixed it up because I love you just a little to much. You’re my personal love letter anthrax and you could kill me with one breath. Venomous eyes with a sugar-sweet touch, I’m not sure I can stop myself. We’re tangled in silly string webs, could someone just carve me out? Make me perfect like a sculpture, smooth and flawlessly beautiful because I can’t do this alone.

Paint a beautiful world with a million words, a beautiful government with a billion, and I could make a beautiful love with just one. I’m done with red light love. You’ve got me driving on the tip of my toes. I talk too fast and cry too much, but can you love someone too much? And I could love you more than imaginable. Torn up papers with love letter words scattered across a love letter floor. Would you believe me if I told you, “you’re who I strive to be”?

Lie on this floor with me and we could look at the ceiling, that’s how I waste so many days. I’m a dreamer that dreams of you a little too much. You’re always finding a new crush and I’m always finding another thing wrong with myself. Could we cuddle like magnetic teddy bears? I can’t be close enough to that mouth that spits such beautiful words and those fingers that could always write my pain away. Give me a hint about what’s in store because the backroom’s too far away and I’m wasting my everything on you.

My eyes sting from looking for shooting stars and my fingers have blisters because I always have too much and too little to write about. I need some sleep to clean the lies out of my mouth.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [can spot the beautiful death in your eyes]

At Least Corpses Know When To Just Shut Up

The Sound Of Your Voice Brought Out The Desperation For Something New

One more day of late nights and late mornings, if noon counts as morning. I’m not ready to abandon you. If you could steal one person in the world’s voice, whose would you take? And I’m not speaking figuratively when I use the word “voice”. Is it weird that I would take Brendon’s from Panic! At The Disco? I know, taking a male voice: the ultimate bad decision. But I just can’t hate his singing voice. It’s like addiction in the form of sound waves. Yeah, I’m just obsessed with his voice at the moment.

Anyway, to whatever audience I have… how doth your day be? I know, I know that was probably the worst attempt at speaking Shakespearean… but no one’s going to reply any way, right? I highly doubt anyone actually reads my blog and if they do they must have feedback-phobia.

I’ve finally made a decision about my love-ly predicament. I’m so used to being completely head over heels for some random guy that’s never going to feel the same that when I’m finally out of love… I’m trying to force my mind back into love. It’s stupid and completely idiotic, but it’s true. I’m a masochist of the heart, chasing whatever could hurt me the most. Well, I’m done with that. I’m tired of tears and of broken hearts. I give up on love, I’m done with it. True love is the image we paint in our eyes to make ourselves happy. No one loves someone, not for 19 years, not for 1 year. I’m sick of pretending love is something we all find. It’s a lie; a blatant lie and I’m not buying it anymore.

I don’t believe in love… but I’m not really sure if I want to.

God, I can’t stop lying to myself. I keep believing that putting those words in writing will just make me believe. Without love, returned or one-sided, I just feel gray. Nothing has a meaning, I really am a masochist of the heart. I’m clinging onto somehing that’s never going to do the same to me. You were all I have and now I wish I still believed in you. I feel more alone when I know you don’t love me and I don’t love you either. Someone, find me someone to love. Quick! I don’t know if I can survive through this emptyness.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [runs to the end of rainbows]

The Sound Of Your Voice Brought Out The Desperation For Something New

You’re Oh So Talented With A Knife When You’re Cutting Happiness Out Of My Life

I’m ready to start giving up. You keep telling me the wrong thing and I keep thinking that this shouldn’t be happening to me. Water in my lungs, it makes me feel like I can breathe again. Your like toxic gas that I’m breathing in without any regrets. Have you forgotten how much I love you already? I’m so tired of feeling confused by my own emotions. Keep saying it; keep it going. I’m dying and melting, you’re my death note. Dancing in and out of love like musical notes on a page; only I don’t sound so beautiful.

I want to melt, die, and disappear. Let me free myself from these heartstrings; I’m going numb, babe. I’m my own beautiful disaster because I’m never so beautiful when I look at her. She’s what you always wanted and I’m the trash. Maybe if we all looked like Barbie, girl’s wouldn’t plasticize themselves. I feel like flying until the walls cave in. I’m caving in. Stop, start. Circles are what I draw on my notebooks because hearts are too temporary. Star lit romance with a cliche slowdance. Waltzing in and out of pain and suffering, is this really how life’s supposed to be. I can’t write anything beautiful because you keep pushing me into mirrors.

Can’t get you off my mind.
I don’t care what they say.
Sometimes you can worry yourself to death.”

– Peter Wentz

Diamond tears like diamond girls. They’re golddiggers just because you’ve got too much. Smiles like sunlight burn my eyes. I’m tuning in and out of your frequency and drowning myself in whatever cards I’m dealt. My heart’s rusting from the many times I stood in the rain just to make sure I’m still alive. You’re killing me and I’d gladly die for you.

“Jynx me something crazy
Thinking if it’s three
Then I’m as smooth as the skin
Rolls across the small of your back
It’s too bad it’s not my style
If you need me
I’m out and on the parkway
Patient and waiting for headlights
Dressed in a fashion that’s fitting to the
Inconsistencies of my moods.”
– Ghost Man On Third by Taking Back Sunday

I’m not sure if this is about who you think it is because I don’t even know who I am anymore. Love is a word that makes me cringe because I don’t know why I’m in and you’re out. Rest in peace because I’m causing an uproar. You sold me out and told me I was everything you needed. Isn’t it just such a shame I’m numb to every lie you spew with a sincere face.

It’s just good fun,
Real good fun.
Because we’re all pretending.
Cupid for a dime
Love for a million dollars.
Pick your match,
This is a fight till death do us part.
You deserve every sore you’ve got.
Liars spinning webs
From life lines and heartstrings.
Time for a quarter
But if you wanted a little bit more
I might just be in over my head.
Deep end, dead end
Toxic gasses in my lungs.
And it’s all good fun,
Real good fun.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [was all in good fun]

You’re Oh So Talented With A Knife When You’re Cutting Happiness Out Of My Life

Love Is Like Like But No One Says, “You’re Head Over Heels In Like.”

What would you want in a man? Or what would you look for in your one true love? What would they look like? Act like? I don’t even know what I’m looking for. My one requirement is that they make me happy… yeah, my other should probably be that they love me back. Although, returned love seems like a far away star; one that I won’t be wishing on anytime soon. Love these days is never like those heart-stopping moments in cheesy romance movies; the one where the lovers’ eyes connect and everything is coated in a pale white light. There’s no more slow motion scenes or beautifully written orchestral pieces in real life. It’s either the fact that one is in-love with someone else, but that love isn’t returned so they settle, or it’s the other way around. Why can’t we all just find the right love for us love them back?

Let’s fall in love and make ourselves the dreamy couple. Let’s be beautiful. Crossing the line one too many times, what happened to boys that make you smile. I hate that I spend every night hating myself for loving you, and you’ve never given me a second thought. Stop playing my heart strings like an instrumentalist; I’m so tired of aching for you. Could we stop acting like friends for a second and attatch our genders to it? Because I’m going insane waiting for you to just be ready for “us.” I think I’m past head over heels, I’m dying in this mind of mine. Crying is so last year, I’m ready for a smile to be sent my way. At the bottom of a pile of pills is where I would find my sloppy lipstick kiss to you, but I’m done with sulking and corners. This is my sloppy lovesick kiss to you that’s my way of saying, “I think I love you a bit more than I should.”

I don’t want to end up alone. I want my dreamer boy with beautiful eyes. I want the boy that might just be bad for my health. Stop making me wait, this aching is killing me. I need to feel needed and I need you. Tell me it’s the same at the other end of this entry. I’m the girl of lost love and the goddess of making mistakes. Tell me your the god of lies and heartbreak because you might just be what I need.

“The real you is what you’ve always had inside you and what you strive to be.”
– Gerard Way

“We all have something in common. No matter how perfect you think you are or no matter how perfect you think the person next to you is, we all have something in common. We all have a hell.”
– Sonny Moore

Less Than Three;
Rikki [wants a slowdance romance]

Love Is Like Like But No One Says, “You’re Head Over Heels In Like.”

Let’s Make Wishes On Stars As If Everything Will Be Alright In The End

I wish with all my heart that I could be you. Could we all swap bodies, maybe just for a day? Like a game of musical chairs, changing lives and faces is the game, but who’s the winner when all our lives are ruined. I’m on pills that are supposed to lessen this stinging, but I’m on the verge of black. Red eyes, gray lives. We’re all coded to be happy. Why don’t you fix everything that’s wrong? Delete me like another useless forgetful fill-in. I’m not the one you wanted.

“When everything is lonely I can be my best friend.”
– Conor Oberst.

No one wants to be my friend. I’m the neglected reject that tries convincing herself that smiles make her look alright. I’ve got a dirty face and possibly a dirtier mouth. One day you’ll be quoting me in all your journals, telling yourselves that I’m so cool. One day I’ll make it; even if I fall trying. There was once a fight that changed my life. There was once a person I passed on the street and I didn’t stop to say, “hi.”. What will change my life the most as I lay on my dying bed? I’m sorry I never thought of you as god. You are my god; you’re everything I wish I was, everything I believe in. I believe in you. You’ll be a good person one day.

“The best kids are the ones who are constantly overlooked. Speak up. Write it down. High school won’t go on forever. I promise.”
– Peter Wentz

I’m home, in my room that always understands. These black stained pillows that soaked up the tears that kept spilling. Is this person really me? Mirrors turned away one too many times. “Don’t look at me like you do.” CDs that always tell me what I want to hear. Music that is the one able to convince me, “it’s okay to be this screwed up.” Sing me something that makes me feel like heaven. Wrap your arms around me and comfort me like no person could. Confusion is what we breathe and awkward is what we feed on. Beauty is a million miles away, but ugly never felt so beautiful. My jaw hurts from saying the wrong thing too much and my fingers are swollen from writing too many lies. Liar, liar… at least we have something in common.

“I eat awkward for breakfast, lunch & dinner.”
– Shaant Hacikyan

“You wake up but not really. In the bedroom you grew up in. It’s the only place on this entire planet that is yours. The only place on the planet that understands you. It understands the way your nerves flare everytime you think about talking to anyone, scared into shyness at the thought of opening your mouth but the way you are the best hypocrite around when you’re in front of a microphone. It knows what turns that switch on and off and on again. It understands the way when you don’t have a smile on your face everyone only spits: ‘what’s wrong’s and ‘you look tired’s. So the way you keep it on your face just wide enough to avoid questions. It understands how neurotic you have become, the way you treat your flaws like old friends. The way you look in the mirror and think of yourself as ‘Mr. Misery’…” – Peter Wentz

I’m so tired of being me. Let’s switch for a little bit.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [likes to love you]

Let’s Make Wishes On Stars As If Everything Will Be Alright In The End

Lines And Dots Spelling Out Everything I Tried To Tell You

The weather’s nice and it’s making me think my mood follows the weather. My day today has been relatively good. I avoided going to the doctor. Yeah, I’ve got this nasty allergic reaction rash on the side of my face. It’s starting to get better, so I didn’t have to go to the doctor today. Oh, ain’t it hilarious that I want to be a doctor when I grow up and I hate going to the doctor?

Anyway, life’s hardly as exciting as I’d like it to be. I’m a sucker for electric lifestyles. Sleeplessness, a new city every day, night lights on the horizon. That’s the life I wish I could live. Oh, we could be rockstars, couldn’t we? A dash of talent would be nice, but that’s pushing it, right? Famous is the dream. Life is the reality we’re all attatched to. Stages and strobe lights. Microphones and after-after-after parties. We’re all dreamers wishing on stars, but a meaning in life is a priveledge. And we haven’t been doing anything good. So we’re merely vines growing in wishful directions until they cut us down. Then we start all over again, don’t we? I’m asking questions. Listen and answer. Tell me what I want to hear.

Dreamer girl with the broken wing. Stargirl lost her sparkle. Mister got married and ended his life. Oh no, what have we become? We’re just thriving hopelessness, tell me something I haven’t already heard. Vintage love for the broken hearted, are hearts recyclable? I’d trade you mine if someone would just give me theirs, but I’m alone in this mind and it’s getting colder every day. You looked prettier from the other side of the mirror and so did I. We’re living out of minds and bodies. We’re crying out our tears. I’m telling you everything I didn’t mean, but niether of us are listening. Can you look me in the eye for once? Can we be midnight lovers for once? Heartless is the sister of lonely and I’m lonely enough for the both of us.

Get her out of your mind and you better know I’m moving in. I love you and everything I say I hate about you. Hating you is like ending an addiction, it takes a lot of separation, but the tree of you is branched out in my mind. You in my dreams and thoughts, my breath and senses. Everywhere isn’t even enough for you. Let’s go back to when boys had cooties and gold was always at the end of the rainbow. I’ve gone to the end of every rainbow and why is it that all I find is you? Purple hearts for the brave and black hearts for the hurting. It’s like a bruise. You’re leaving your bruise on my heart. Stopping my blood in it’s tracks and making me faint. Emotions and sedatives have got me numb. I’m trying not to lose you, but you’re going back and I’m going black.

Here’s my heart. Have it and keep it. I’d trade it for yours, but if you’ve got nothing to give… that’s alright with me. These words are running like tears and crashing like waves. Get me out of this mind.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [conquered

Lines And Dots Spelling Out Everything I Tried To Tell You

Ink On The Paper Like How I Wish Your Hands Would Be On My Skin

Have you seen the new video for I Don’t Love You by My Chem? Yeah, it pretty much depressed the hell out of me. Gerard’s expression in the music video could probably make a lot of people cry. The girl’s eyes kind of freaked me out, but they don’t seem so scary after watching over and over again.

These days are grape seeds wound around our hearts. Tangling and planting themselves deep inide our souls. Tell me that we won’t rot away. We won’t will we? “Till death do us part.” Oh, I wasn’t aware I died. Maybe I should be. Could I just erase myself for a second, so my thougths could become beautiful? Don’t make me cave in again. I’ve been losing myself for you. I’d starve myself if it made me more beautiful, but I’m rotten from the inside out. Do you understand that I can’t win against you? Tell me you’d end the fight for me just this once.

Blackened souls against a white background. I’ve lost myself in the tunes of depression. Let me out of this box, Pandora’s Box. Locked out of the world and your heart. It’s cold out here, I miss the feeling of naive love. I miss the feeling of life. “I love you.” It’s not worth the time I’ve already put in the clock for those three words I’m still missing. My ears are sore from listening to anyone that would tell me they loved me at one time. You don’t need to tell me. I don’t love you.

Today is the last piece of the teardrop thread. Do you want to join the club? We’ll preach heartbreak and hell. Darkness is what you make of it. Reality has become poisoned by all the shit. I’d tell you the truth, but it might just cost you your life. Get out of my life, just to come back and show me it all may have meant something to you. I’m crying to let you know I needed you once. Once upon a time, you made me smile. Once upon a time, I smiled. I’m sorry for always being dissapointed in you, it runs in the family.

I’ve got nothing left to say to you, not after every criticism I listened to that spewed from your heart-wrenching lips. There’s nothing that I could say or write that would show you how much I adored you at one time. I’m getting over you. It’s the lie that makes me feel like you didn’t matter that much to me. But my journal reads your name and so does my heart. I’m attatched to you and I can’t get myself to let go. Break out the needles, I need some sugery quickly. Get me out of this mindset and make me beautiful with a batch of miracle pills. Maybe I’ll become you angel for one day, but one day in this mind is a second in yours and I haven’t got a second left to give you.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [is everything you’re not]

Ink On The Paper Like How I Wish Your Hands Would Be On My Skin