It’s all icy out today, you could bring skates tothe park and you wouldn’t have to pay to skate. I almost fell multiple times on my way walking the 3 feet of steps into my school. Yeah, it’s pathetic. Okay, so today I made it my goal to be more positive. Let’s just say that completely backfired. I basically have completely realized my current best friend that goes to my school basically only talks to me because the more popular girls that she actually wants to talk to… only talk to her because they feel bad for her. So, who’ve I got now? Yeah, then I’m like, “FUCK… stay positive. Optimism is the new emo, get caught up in it…” Oh, then basically all the people in my class suck up to me because they see how well my sister draws -my sister draws the comic for the school newspaper-. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m compared to my sister all the time. Yeah, cliche and stupid… but I’d just feel more comfortable if everyone didn’t always go, “Oh? I just assumed you were good at drawing since your sister is… oh… well, she’s so nice, why are you so mean?” I mean, I’m not trying to say I hate my sister or anything close to that… I just want to feel like an individual.
This positive shit isn’t working out. I feel even worse than I did before. I swear, it’s like my mind refuses to let me be happy. I need to scream until my lungs bleed just to get someone to listen. And I’m so tired of feeling so diconnected from the world. Hey, am I out there? Because I lost myself somewhere.
Fucking liars, if there was something good about me I wouldn’t always be so fucked up, now would I? I would always be happy and perfect. Crap. I’m nothing like that. I’m just the most rotten apple at the bottom, the one everyone stepped on so many times it doesn’t even look like an apple anymore. I just feel like hiding and never looking at myself again. I don’t want to see how horrible I am. Maybe then I could just pretend I’m one of those good apples at the top… it’s just that no one’s reaching for me.
“Suicide is the most selfish thing you can do.” Is that really true? I mean, if you had life insurance then your family would get some money, right? And they would have to spend the money on feeding another mouth. Besides, just don’t have an extravagant funeral. I need to feel like I’m alive again. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go killing myself. I mean, I’ve thought of it, but hasn’t everyone? I’ve already pretty close to what I assume hell is going to be like and I don’t need to die to feel like that for the rest of eternity.
I’m faking a smile right now for anyone that’s reading this right now. Wow, maybe it is working. I seem happier, than I pretend to be, already.
Less Than Three;
Rikki [the after-valentine]