All The Pretty People; A Systematic Extermination Of All That Is Good

Oh shit… got the truth phone on line 1… ready for something not so pleasant?

I’m not even sure who I’m calling… I don’t even know what I’m going to say. I just need someone to listen. Someone that will actually listen while I bitch about my life. Can you do that for me? For once? I’m tired and alone. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be so ashamed of who you are? I just… I need to breathe. It’s like I’m suffocating. You’re choking me and I’m fainting head over heels. I think this might be voluntary. I’ve been faking this smile and I’ll keep it going till it’s real. Have you got a story for me to tell? You know I’m the best liar.

I need to feel alive again; I’ve been missing something. This winter is freezing my insides and making me numb. It’s like my novacaine, to make me feel more confident. Hit me. Beat me. I’ve been losing for as long as I can think of. I don’t remember you anymore. Do you even have my screen name on your buddylist? They’re all trying to forget me, all just forget-me regrets. Because you’ll regret this when six feet under is one digit away from a phone call from me to you.

I smell of sloth, envy, and you. All this time I’ve been staring and waiting for you to go away, maybe that could cure this twisted obsession. I love you so much that I lied to you. I care about you so much that I distance myself from you. This two-sided thing isn’t working. I’m trying to tell you something I don’t even understand. I spend so much time over analyzing things that I end up with no knowledge of anything. If you picked me, would you pick me? Pick me up from this six foot ditch I’m locked inside of? I’m no diamond in the sky. I’ve got no “besties” and I’m not so pretty to look at. But can I keep believing that you think I am?

I’m looking through a mirror and finding nothing. Is death staring me in the face? Oh, because I wouldn’t be surprised. I need to cry, but I don’t want anyone to see me. I need to scream, but no one can hear me. Do you hear me anymore? You’re such a liar when I pretend it’s all a facade. And I’m such a fake when I’m breathing. I want to be on stage and tell you I’m sincere. I want to sing until my head turns fuzzy with all these criticisms. Oh, they’ve already got me nauseous. Doctor, Doctor! She’s gone blue and I’m not sure what to say anymore. I don’t want to be a fake anymore.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [loves to pretend she’s a good person]

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All The Pretty People; A Systematic Extermination Of All That Is Good

Introduction To My Eulogy And Still Haven’t Got A Thing To Say

I’ve finally finished my History Day report. It’s pretty exciting since I’ve handed it in. Although, now my teacher is going to be grading it and that’s what I actually care about. Yeah, I’m one of those “nerdies” that obsess over the grade. I was practically shaking when I handed my report in. Oh well, at least there’s one less thing to do for homework. Yeah, my mind is completely on school at the moment. Quite boring, right?

Anyway, I’m pretty exhausted right now. I haven’t had much of a sleeping schedule this week. I haven’t had time to just sit back and look around. Yeah, it’s weird that one of my hobbies is just thinking and looking out a window. I don’t just people watch, I sky watch.

Have you ever felt like I do now? Like no one’s around and no one will be? I just look around and I feel like this is how it always is. Even when I’m surrounded by people, there’s no one. It’s like a onesided mirror. I see them, but we don’t talk, touch, or just recognize that the other is there. I’m a walking corpse for you to make and break. Take me down like a criminal on the run, but just say my name. Could you tell me a story? Tell me that every day is just another day we grow closer. Lies are better than silence. Silence is ringing in my ears. It’s telling me to leave. “Put yourself out there.” Oh, well if no one’s there to receive me, why should I?

I need a friend for always. Not just a temporary acquaintance for every other week. I need my constant. Could you tell me I’m yours? Maybe we could get lost together. Maybe we could be everything we never were. Or could we at least pretend? Play by play, life ain’t your musical. No one sings, but we sure are as corny and more fake than any politician out there. These scars are everything you said they’d be. Oh, your buried in this dead heart of mine.

Liar, do you know who I am? We’ve both been cutting our tongues out. Carve out my mouth and chop off these fingers. I don’t ever want to tell you how I feel. We’ve both been waiting far too long for different things. I can’t tell you everything I wish I could sing to you. Write you a letter with my fake confessional. Truth phone’s on line 1, got something to tell me? Maybe we could scream out in love and say that everyday is another miracle. Because we sure as hell might with all these car-crash night skies.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [is the new lonely]

Introduction To My Eulogy And Still Haven’t Got A Thing To Say

So Afraid of Failing, You Must Realize That It’s Not Me You’re Looking At

I’ve gotten eight hours of sleep in total this work. It’s so frustrating to have so much work to do; I just need some sleep. Been fading out of life today and you’re not noticing anything at all. Take me apart and wish me good luck, care to give this puzzle a try. I keep changing for you, my mind is never blank with your eyes on hers. It’s solo time; I’ve been parading around school like I’m not so broken. But it wasn’t supposed to work this way.

Breathe in the monoxide, it’ll cure that wandering hand that she’s so fond of. Envy’s my specialty, so don’t try to turn this around on me. Lies have got as much truth in them as there is in you. The games you play make me press rewind. Can’t we go back to mornings where the world was ours and I was innocent? I need my prince charming right now. This shoulder’s getting tired, give me some stability.

Maybe if you and I were beautiful. Maybe if this world wasn’t so cruel. We could let go of this anxiety and find ourselves some saviours. At 4 in the morning, I can’t stop thinking of you, but I don’t even know you. These writings on my arm keep telling me 4 is 2 + 2; but we don’t walk in twos, do we? Make a wish for me to tell you “I love you with everything I’ve got.” Oh, but dollface… I ain’t got anything.

Write pretty little rhymes
To make up for all the bad times,
But we won’t tell a soul about what we’ve done.
These battles were lost, but we’re all for one,
Right? ’cause I’m not sure if I believe anymore.
Your always slamming that bedroom door
Leaving me, playing my heartstring violin.
Oh and you know that I’d let you win;
Any day and anytime that’s good for you.
Strut your stuff saying I haven’t got a clue.
But I know, I’ve always know you better
You’ll always miss me, you’re gonna’ regret her.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [the rejection queen]

So Afraid of Failing, You Must Realize That It’s Not Me You’re Looking At

Like A Backstage Pass, I’m Letting You See My Inner Workings; Maybe You Never Should Have Wondered

Pass the truth phone. That’s right, I just totally whored someone on my xanga for the first time. Anyway… here goes nothing…

Did you ever know that sometimes I wish you knew who I was? I wish I could be on top of the world. I wish I was a revolution. You always make me feel like a failure, but spin it around to make me feel even worse for hating you. Family. It’s like blood was supposed to be thick, but mine’s been running a little thin lately. I know how difficult it is to be you; you’ve got nothing to fall back on. And somehow you always make the right decisions. Maybe that’s why I feel so horrible about the way I am, because you never feel self-concious about yourself.

I know, “don’t spin this around on me!” But sometimes you just always hate everything about me. Deny it all you want, but I feel like a bad mark on a perfect family some days. Would you understand if I told you my deepest secret? Aren’t we supposed to get along? Everyone calls you the “cool mom” but sometimes I feel like smothering myself. I’m so terrified of telling you the truth because I live for your approval. I’m so scared of failure because of all you’ve been through. You always have a tale to tell me that is worse than 99% of my life. Well, all those tales add up when I can’t forget. Now you see, don’t you? Every time I come home crying because I feel empty and alone. You always say it’s fine to stumble. But what if I’m not stumbling? Oh god, I’ve already fallen and I’m not sure if I want you to pick me up. Don’t look at me like you did when I was young. Call me young and foolish, because maybe then I could make mistakes. I’m sorry for acting like a whiny brat, but I feel like crumbling into every memory I tried to from.

Do you know I hate looking myself because you always tell me what could be better about me? Or that I don’t let anyone in because that’s what you’ve taught me? You make me cry more than any boy could because I’ve got you for life. I never felt bad when he died, is that how cold I am inside? When I saw you cry, I felt like crying more than I ever have. Because you’re my hero and my dictator. You’re the one that makes me wish I could fly just to make you look at me for once. Every time you compliment me it’s like a fire in my heart telling me that I could always do better. Because that’s the p.s. isn’t it? Every A could always be an A+. But what if I can’t do it? What if I’m not a child prodigy and I won’t be able to buy you everything you’ve ever wanted when I’m older? Would you still love me then?

I feel like you would just abandon me now if you found out I would grow up to be a failure. You’ve got me crying again. Tear like blood from every papercut I’ve gotten from reading a book that wasn’t up to your standards. Is imagination a sin these days? I’m sorry for not being the prodigy that goes to some amazing Ivy League school. I’m sorry for not wanting to be a doctor like you planned for me to. As cliche as I am, it’s not like I ever wanted to disappoint you.

My words just flow so much better over a dial tone.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [the dummy’s guide to disappointment]

Like A Backstage Pass, I’m Letting You See My Inner Workings; Maybe You Never Should Have Wondered

Sometimes I Just Can’t Help The Way I Feel About You, Even When I Tell You I Love You

Well, aren’t you just the master
Of making me give up on everything
And everytime I thought I cared
These lights are flickering from your eyes
That are absorbing every speck of light
Oh and it’s a good thing because
Every star I want to see,
Is every star that I can find in your eyes.
Spit romantic lines to make up for
Those un-romantic lies.
Can sleep with yourself after our screams begin to fade into my sobs?
I can’t, not when you’re not saying
Not when you’re not staying to tell me
“The morning will bring the sun.”
Good morning, good evening, good night
We’re just talking ourselves in circles
Routines aren’t so very routine on route 14
That’s where we get away and dance till it’s blue moon.
Look out the windows, past the buildings
Is there a sky out there anymore?
I don’t want to get out of here, not out there
Out where everyone knows you’ve got someone else
Out where nothing ever happened between us
Friends are just friends until you realize
Everyone’s been faking some shit.
Break down the walls and let’s paint this scandal up
Dramatic exposure, “this ain’t pop culture, babe.”
You’re playing with the public don’t care at all
You’re starting to believe I like those stares
We’re oh so strange, but we’re not the same
Depending on make-shift hearts to help us fall in love
Falling has never been more painful
Than when you’re saying you regret it all.
“I never regret a thing, unless it’s you, doll.”

Less Than Three;
Rikki [is bad luck]

Sometimes I Just Can’t Help The Way I Feel About You, Even When I Tell You I Love You

The Sky Could Be Darker Than My Room Without The Lights On, But I Still Won’t Stop Staring At Those

It’s all icy out today, you could bring skates tothe park and you wouldn’t have to pay to skate. I almost fell multiple times on my way walking the 3 feet of steps into my school. Yeah, it’s pathetic. Okay, so today I made it my goal to be more positive. Let’s just say that completely backfired. I basically have completely realized my current best friend that goes to my school basically only talks to me because the more popular girls that she actually wants to talk to… only talk to her because they feel bad for her. So, who’ve I got now? Yeah, then I’m like, “FUCK… stay positive. Optimism is the new emo, get caught up in it…” Oh, then basically all the people in my class suck up to me because they see how well my sister draws -my sister draws the comic for the school newspaper-. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m compared to my sister all the time. Yeah, cliche and stupid… but I’d just feel more comfortable if everyone didn’t always go, “Oh? I just assumed you were good at drawing since your sister is… oh… well, she’s so nice, why are you so mean?” I mean, I’m not trying to say I hate my sister or anything close to that… I just want to feel like an individual.

This positive shit isn’t working out. I feel even worse than I did before. I swear, it’s like my mind refuses to let me be happy. I need to scream until my lungs bleed just to get someone to listen. And I’m so tired of feeling so diconnected from the world. Hey, am I out there? Because I lost myself somewhere.

Fucking liars, if there was something good about me I wouldn’t always be so fucked up, now would I? I would always be happy and perfect. Crap. I’m nothing like that. I’m just the most rotten apple at the bottom, the one everyone stepped on so many times it doesn’t even look like an apple anymore. I just feel like hiding and never looking at myself again. I don’t want to see how horrible I am. Maybe then I could just pretend I’m one of those good apples at the top… it’s just that no one’s reaching for me.

“Suicide is the most selfish thing you can do.” Is that really true? I mean, if you had life insurance then your family would get some money, right? And they would have to spend the money on feeding another mouth. Besides, just don’t have an extravagant funeral. I need to feel like I’m alive again. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go killing myself. I mean, I’ve thought of it, but hasn’t everyone? I’ve already pretty close to what I assume hell is going to be like and I don’t need to die to feel like that for the rest of eternity.

I’m faking a smile right now for anyone that’s reading this right now. Wow, maybe it is working. I seem happier, than I pretend to be, already.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [the after-valentine]

The Sky Could Be Darker Than My Room Without The Lights On, But I Still Won’t Stop Staring At Those

Roses Bred The Love Out Of Me

The weather’s just like me today: dark, dreary, and sucking the life out of everyone around. Oh, saint of love, you’ve got a battle with me. Watching all those girls and their boyfriends, flowers and choclates exchanging hands. Don’t worry about him, some day you’ll be dead and gone. Oh, and he’ll be over there fucking your mom.

Cynicism has been sending me letters. Breathe in the anthrax, babe. Alone in my bedroom, this heart has gone hollow. A million papers scarred with letters I could make out to you. Am I alone in this head of mine? Am I alone in this heart? Get me out of here, get me some reason for life. Give me my heart back, shards and all. Kiss me in this clouded rain, so maybe I can see again. I’m desperate for some cherished moments. Let this world drown us in misery, and we’ll both meet again in hell.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [soaked to the heart]

Roses Bred The Love Out Of Me