Censoring Is For When You’re Not Ready To Take Some Hits

Okay, so let’s see what interesting shit I have to talk about today. Well, is it selfish of me to semi-ly regret telling some of my friends about this journal, bloggy thing. Because I mean, I have a blog in which I only post stories and poems, but most of those aren’t analyzed to the point that the reader almost gets what I’m trying to say. But this journal is just kind of… my soul, I guess. As stupid as it sounds, I just hate it when people I have everyday contact with know the inner workings of my mind. It’s sounds stupid and selfish, believe me I know. But it’s just, most of them just mention something I’ve written is some casual mocking way and I just feel like dying. Not just turning invisible, but literally dying. I mean, maybe they don’t understand… but I’m not writing about some lady in Las Vegas that I dreamed up like in my stories. No, this is me. Bare and uncensored. And when mocks the inner workings of my mind like that, I wonder why I trusted them enough to give them the url to this journal.

Yeah, I know. I just fed the fire, another reason for them to go, “why are you always talking shit about me on your blog?” Well, you should be glad I don’t mention names. And you know what, if you can’t take the fact that sometimes I get really annoyed and pissed off by the things you do… then just stop reading my journal. Kay? Because I really don’t appreciate the fact that the one place I can write about me, the boring, psycho, suburban seemingly goody-good is spoken about like it’s not me on the other side of the phoneline. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. And I don’t appreciate when you assume things, because you’ve told me to stop assuming that you are writing a bout me, so please… can you do the same?

I’m so tired of feeling threatened by my so-called friends. Aren’t they supposed to be the ones you bare your soul to? Well, now do you understand why I don’t tell you? Because, and don’t take offense to this, most people just don’t understand the random and ridiculously high expectations I have for everyone. Why? Because I enjoy thinking that the world is safe from others like me. So please, don’t read my thoughts if you’re going to talk to me about them. I think them enough as it is, and I hate myself enough for a country’s population. Just understand I don’t need you to make me feel that way too.

My thoughts, confessions are posted here because I know about no one reads them and if anyone does they’re not conversing with me about how sick and disgusting I am. I like those nice conversations about stupid people like us that have crushes on rock stars. Stupid people like me that try to write well. Stupid people like hollywood that get plastic surgery. And most of all stupid people like hollywood and me that fake things.

Anyway, now that that’s off the mind… as much as I can get it… lets see what else I’ve got…

I took a survey yesterday. Basically, it cleared up the fact that I am schizophrenic and depressed. Wow, it could be worse, right?

What’s your mental illness?

you’re very weak.
you hate your body.
you starve yourself.
you have low self esteem.
you use laxatives.
you need to be more skinnier.
people always say you’re skinny, but you think fat.
people think you are way too skinny.
total: three.

Adhd (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder)
you are hyper most of the time.
you barely pay attention to anything.
you cannot cooperate with people well.
you seem to never sit still.
you talk all the time.
you need attention 24/7.
total: five

bipolar disorder
you can act wild at times then the next you are severely depressed.
you are very irritable.

you barely get any or no sleep.
you are anti-social.
you have very high self esteem at times.
you are abusing alcohol, drugs, or sex.
you have thought of/attempted suicide.
total: six.

bulimia nervosa
you throw up all of your food.
you throw it up even when you don’t feel sick.
you have no control over how you eat.
you use laxatives.
you fast.
you have overly excercised to where you almost fainted/passed out.
you always say you are fat
, when you aren’t.
people think you are way too skinny.
total: one.

conduct disorder
you are a bully.
you threaten other people.
you often find yourself in fights.
you have used a weapon that could cause injury to others. (ex: knife, bat, etc.)
you are cruel to humans and/or animals.
you have raped/molested someone.
you destroy property on purpose.
you always lie
you stay out all night.
you have ran away from home.
total: three.

you are always sad.
always are crying.
you find no hope in your future.
you find no longer excitement over the activities you used to love.

you always find yourself around the house or in bed all day.
you can be/are anti-social.
you have low self esteem.

everything bad that happens is always your fault.
hope is no longer there for you.
total: nine.

ocd (obsession compulsive disorder)
you have daily rituals.
you have disturbing thoughts or thoughts you hate.
you have to do a certain thing until it feels right.
you have to keep things in a certain order.
you have harmed yourself.
you are afraid you will get a std, aids, or any kind of germs.
you have to check some stuff over again.
total: four.

you often have hallucinations (seeing things or hearing things that aren’t there).
you have strange, unusual dreams or thoughts.

you can be confused about reality and fantasy.
you think people are always staring or talking about you.
you have extreme anxiety or fearfullness.
you have difficulty with relationships with family, friends, and opposite sex.
you do not take care of your hygeine like you should.
you are very shy.
you often talk to yourself.

total: nine.

Yeah, surprising… I’m not lying on it. I know that half the things in bold, which are what applies to me, contradict eachother. Of course, I always contradict myself. Hah, I find it amazing how much schizophrenia applies to me. I was once listening to this song and in the background I swear I kept hearing someone calling me by the name my sister calls me! And I played the track over and over and I heard it everytime at the same spot! And don’t ask about the dreams and thoughts. You should already know about those from past entries and shit. Oh, if you talked to me on a day to day, I am not only confused by reality and fantasy, I actually do confuse the two… it’s a bit scary sometimes. I’ll be lyk, “deja vu!” and no one will understand. Oh, and I really do always think someone’s staring at me whenever i catch them glancing at me or in my direction. It gets to be a bit embarassing sometimes because I’ll ask them if something’s on my face or something and they’ll be like trying to talk to the girl sitting behind me. If you’ve ever seen me before a test or just anywhere, you’ll know that I have extreme anxiety and shit. And if you’re reading this, then you know I have trouble with relationships with practically everyone. Including myself… about hygene. Just don’t ask. And I know I speak out a lot, well, just to let you know, that’s kind of my shyness mechanism. I either become extremely bold, stupid, and annoying or actually am shy. And I always talk to myself and innanimate objects. They’re the only ones that don’t make smart-ass comments when I stumble with my words.

Anyway, it around 10:09 pm and I need to finish studying Arabic, math, and other shit for my midterms that are in a few days. So, I guess that’s my boring life that I wish you wished you had.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [on the horizon]

Censoring Is For When You’re Not Ready To Take Some Hits

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