Camera’s To Make Me Feel Ugly; Pictures Of Me To Make You Feel Beautiful

The emo monster stole my soul. I’ve just been feeling so completely alone lately. I mean, I just look around sometimes and see everyone with their friends and I just can’t help but look at myself sitting all alone. They all call me a loser, idiot, weirdo, and anything other insult you can think of. But I declare my defeat. I’m a bitch. A total bitch and it’s no wonder I find myself more alone each day I keep living.

Make me a god. Make this monster your angel.

I just hate myself more and more. It’s like I’ve turned myself into every obnoxious person I know. Why? Because they’ve got more friends than the world can carry. Why is it atractive to be a bitch? What happen to karma? What happened to being a good person? The world’s out scored me by a million; it’s time to just let go. How do you survive when the best relationship you have is with an unread blog entry? Why should I even try?

My mirror is the enemy; I’m married to my cd’s. My best friend is my blog and I’ve lost the true me.

I’m tired of myself. Give me a reason to stay this way. I’m out of self-help books. Help me, please, you are what I need.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [is the scene]

Camera’s To Make Me Feel Ugly; Pictures Of Me To Make You Feel Beautiful

Love Letters Adressed To Yours Truly, Written Outside The Lines

I’m dying from trying to
Find a cure to this misery.
And you’re killing me faster
By letting me see what I wish I had.
Dancing in and out of hearts
“Mrs. JUST LOVE ME!”
Written on my every notebook.
Do you see how much I need you?
Standing on ceilings to get in a word
Cursing these lips and those lips
Oh, you’re sucking me in.
Your main prefession in heart breaking
And I swear, you’re more than a pro
Oh boy, if only you’d know
Driving me in and out of bursting into tears.
Collapse and Relapse
Forsaken the never-was.
Freak out, Break out
These margins are getting too tight.
For you, baby, I’d sell the world.
For you, baby, could I be your world?
Sent out the letter today,
We lost it in translation.
The faint beeping of hearts lying in hospitals
We go deaf from the sound.
And if you died, here and now.
I would wish one thing,
Can you remember me and never misplace my love?

Snowball’s tomorrow. I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to pretend like I feel excepted. I’m extremely nervous; firstly I look hideous in dresses; second I always manage to walk out of a social event looking like a complete fool. Oh and maybe I am. Maybe I think about things to long. And maybe I enjoy feeling like you could never understand. Tell me how horrible I am. I know you and your tricks; not tricking anyone, girlie. Give me a shot of confidence, so maybe I could sing you to death. Live, live for every reason we pretend to have. A death close to the heart, are you falling apart? Oh so clever, and hardly entertaining.

Liar, Liar you know how to bring on the catastrophe. Catalyst, baby, you know you can drive me insane.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [on the horizon]

Love Letters Adressed To Yours Truly, Written Outside The Lines

Start Me Up And Fight Till I’m Out, This Gets Old So Quickly

I’m not feeling so beautiful today,
I feel like you’re painting me a fool.
Do you know what your every word
Can do to me?
I want a love where our hearts beat in tune.
I want to be the reason you smile.
I need to know someone just gives a shit.
So, give me some satisfaction,
And let me go on dreaming.
Yesterday ran like rain water
Today is falling away from us
I don’t want these days to get the best of me.
Dolled up and hardly beautiful
I’m sitting on walls just to get to you
Never noticed that this is true,
I may not be lying to you.
Stop wasting time with letters and words
They’ve never kept me company.
This controversy has got the best of us.
Drawing tiny stars all over my notes
One for every prayer of you.
Last wish never brought me anything good
I guess it’s time, time to move on.

Don’t call me crazy. I’m just crying for attention. When the cameras flash, do you feel anymore beautiful? Behind those curtains, you’re vulnerable. Behind those curtains, no one cares. Behing those eyelids are stars in the sky. So don’t stop, we can make this right. Flash of attention. “I love you, too.” Don’t mention it. These records are broken and their playing your heart over and over again. “Give up? You’re about to win!” Those close calls could drive you mad. Your foots mark is still fresh at the starting line, are you really ready to go back? This ain’t a shotgun wedding, babe; don’t call this Las Vegas. Paint us up some beautiful; it’s all that they’ve got left. Leave for the praying birds, “you’ve never looked so beautiful!” Oh mirrors broke for us. Fresh baked for the taking. Take me as I am; ugly, dark, fragile, and needy. All I need is a home. A home where we can live “forever and ever, you’ll stay in my heart and I will love you. Forever and ever, we never shall part. Oh how I’ll love you.”

Yeah, I’ve been dreaming in a corny 90’s movie. Burn me to ashes and bury me below the dead. I’m on the 9th layer of hell, babe.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [on the horizon]

Start Me Up And Fight Till I’m Out, This Gets Old So Quickly

Procrastination Has Gotten The Best Of Me; The 8th Deadly Sin

Oh destiny, have you forsaken me?
Shadows of darkness destroying my sanity
Liar can’t make the sun shine brighter
Liar can’t make you believe in smiles
Don’t blame princess for being naive
And don’t blame me for hating this
Spinning webs from pure satire
Make me lie, brand me sin
Avarice is my sister
Oh, envy me!
For I am Envy, herself.

So much studying to do, but don’t depend on my. I went flying last night, through every old and fetid word left in my computer. Wondering, remembering back to when I believed in you. In all of you. When I was Naive and the World was just a nickname for Earth. I hate growing up. It feels as if I’m clearing out my house in Neverland and moving into Reality, next door. Why do I have to know what I want to do when I’m grown? Why must I pretend I give a shit? Why do I have to stop using “vulgar language”? Why do I have to pretend that your screenname isn’t the first thing I look for when I sign on?

Stress has been like the ton of rocks pressing my chest closer to my spine. Don’t give up! You’ll do fine! Oh those liars, don’t give me false hope. I know my place now, nowhere. So don’t lecture me as if you’ll ever know me inside and out, because I’m afraid I might be that predictable.

I think my family’s gotten a bit hesitant when I use the expression, “I’d rather kill myself.” I mean, do you really think I’d kill myself? …Okay, I mean, I haven’t been clinically branded depressed or anything. It’s not like I slit my wrists or anything! I’m just melodramatic… to maybe a bit farther of an extent. But truthfully, I’m not slitting my wrists anytimes soon. I mean, if I casually get hit by a car and just maybe, die in the ER… that’s the car’s fault, right? Don’t worry, I won’t do that… although, you probably weren’t worrying.

You know, I don’t think anyone actually reads my blogs. And I’m not sure if that’s good. Is it good to be lost in the tangle of the interweb?

Anyway, my day was pretty okay today. Although, I’m absolutely sure I completely failed my Arabic exam… and my History exam. But screw learning! I just can’t do it! I forfeit! You all win.

The Snowball is in a little over a week. Should I care that I’m going, technically, solo? Nope, because I’m hideous and boys have cooties. So, love can just go find lust and get groovy. Yes, get groovy.

I feel like singing until my voice quivers. I feel like shouting, “I love you!” outside your window. I feel like looking out my window to find a boy holding a boombox over his head for me. I feel like finding a mixtape addressed to me on my doorstep. I feel like crying until I’ve shriveled up into dust. I feel like becoming invisible to find if anyone notices my disappearance. I feel like collapsing under the pressure. I feel like I wish I was you.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [on the horizon]

Procrastination Has Gotten The Best Of Me; The 8th Deadly Sin

Censoring Is For When You’re Not Ready To Take Some Hits

Okay, so let’s see what interesting shit I have to talk about today. Well, is it selfish of me to semi-ly regret telling some of my friends about this journal, bloggy thing. Because I mean, I have a blog in which I only post stories and poems, but most of those aren’t analyzed to the point that the reader almost gets what I’m trying to say. But this journal is just kind of… my soul, I guess. As stupid as it sounds, I just hate it when people I have everyday contact with know the inner workings of my mind. It’s sounds stupid and selfish, believe me I know. But it’s just, most of them just mention something I’ve written is some casual mocking way and I just feel like dying. Not just turning invisible, but literally dying. I mean, maybe they don’t understand… but I’m not writing about some lady in Las Vegas that I dreamed up like in my stories. No, this is me. Bare and uncensored. And when mocks the inner workings of my mind like that, I wonder why I trusted them enough to give them the url to this journal.

Yeah, I know. I just fed the fire, another reason for them to go, “why are you always talking shit about me on your blog?” Well, you should be glad I don’t mention names. And you know what, if you can’t take the fact that sometimes I get really annoyed and pissed off by the things you do… then just stop reading my journal. Kay? Because I really don’t appreciate the fact that the one place I can write about me, the boring, psycho, suburban seemingly goody-good is spoken about like it’s not me on the other side of the phoneline. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. And I don’t appreciate when you assume things, because you’ve told me to stop assuming that you are writing a bout me, so please… can you do the same?

I’m so tired of feeling threatened by my so-called friends. Aren’t they supposed to be the ones you bare your soul to? Well, now do you understand why I don’t tell you? Because, and don’t take offense to this, most people just don’t understand the random and ridiculously high expectations I have for everyone. Why? Because I enjoy thinking that the world is safe from others like me. So please, don’t read my thoughts if you’re going to talk to me about them. I think them enough as it is, and I hate myself enough for a country’s population. Just understand I don’t need you to make me feel that way too.

My thoughts, confessions are posted here because I know about no one reads them and if anyone does they’re not conversing with me about how sick and disgusting I am. I like those nice conversations about stupid people like us that have crushes on rock stars. Stupid people like me that try to write well. Stupid people like hollywood that get plastic surgery. And most of all stupid people like hollywood and me that fake things.

Anyway, now that that’s off the mind… as much as I can get it… lets see what else I’ve got…

I took a survey yesterday. Basically, it cleared up the fact that I am schizophrenic and depressed. Wow, it could be worse, right?

What’s your mental illness?

Anorexia
you’re very weak.
you hate your body.
you starve yourself.
you have low self esteem.
you use laxatives.
you need to be more skinnier.
people always say you’re skinny, but you think fat.
people think you are way too skinny.
total: three.

Adhd (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder)
you are hyper most of the time.
you barely pay attention to anything.
you cannot cooperate with people well.
you seem to never sit still.
you talk all the time.
you need attention 24/7.
total: five


bipolar disorder
you can act wild at times then the next you are severely depressed.
you are very irritable.

you barely get any or no sleep.
you are anti-social.
you have very high self esteem at times.
you are abusing alcohol, drugs, or sex.
you have thought of/attempted suicide.
total: six.

bulimia nervosa
you throw up all of your food.
you throw it up even when you don’t feel sick.
you have no control over how you eat.
you use laxatives.
you fast.
you have overly excercised to where you almost fainted/passed out.
you always say you are fat
, when you aren’t.
people think you are way too skinny.
total: one.


conduct disorder
you are a bully.
you threaten other people.
you often find yourself in fights.
you have used a weapon that could cause injury to others. (ex: knife, bat, etc.)
you are cruel to humans and/or animals.
you have raped/molested someone.
you destroy property on purpose.
you always lie
you stay out all night.
you have ran away from home.
total: three.


depression
you are always sad.
you
always are crying.
you find no hope in your future.
you find no longer excitement over the activities you used to love.

you always find yourself around the house or in bed all day.
you can be/are anti-social.
you have low self esteem.

everything bad that happens is always your fault.
hope is no longer there for you.
total: nine.

ocd (obsession compulsive disorder)
you have daily rituals.
you have disturbing thoughts or thoughts you hate.
you have to do a certain thing until it feels right.
you have to keep things in a certain order.
you have harmed yourself.
you are afraid you will get a std, aids, or any kind of germs.
you have to check some stuff over again.
total: four.

schizophrenia
you often have hallucinations (seeing things or hearing things that aren’t there).
you have strange, unusual dreams or thoughts.

you can be confused about reality and fantasy.
you think people are always staring or talking about you.
you have extreme anxiety or fearfullness.
you have difficulty with relationships with family, friends, and opposite sex.
you do not take care of your hygeine like you should.
you are very shy.
you often talk to yourself.

total: nine.

Yeah, surprising… I’m not lying on it. I know that half the things in bold, which are what applies to me, contradict eachother. Of course, I always contradict myself. Hah, I find it amazing how much schizophrenia applies to me. I was once listening to this song and in the background I swear I kept hearing someone calling me by the name my sister calls me! And I played the track over and over and I heard it everytime at the same spot! And don’t ask about the dreams and thoughts. You should already know about those from past entries and shit. Oh, if you talked to me on a day to day, I am not only confused by reality and fantasy, I actually do confuse the two… it’s a bit scary sometimes. I’ll be lyk, “deja vu!” and no one will understand. Oh, and I really do always think someone’s staring at me whenever i catch them glancing at me or in my direction. It gets to be a bit embarassing sometimes because I’ll ask them if something’s on my face or something and they’ll be like trying to talk to the girl sitting behind me. If you’ve ever seen me before a test or just anywhere, you’ll know that I have extreme anxiety and shit. And if you’re reading this, then you know I have trouble with relationships with practically everyone. Including myself… about hygene. Just don’t ask. And I know I speak out a lot, well, just to let you know, that’s kind of my shyness mechanism. I either become extremely bold, stupid, and annoying or actually am shy. And I always talk to myself and innanimate objects. They’re the only ones that don’t make smart-ass comments when I stumble with my words.

Anyway, it around 10:09 pm and I need to finish studying Arabic, math, and other shit for my midterms that are in a few days. So, I guess that’s my boring life that I wish you wished you had.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [on the horizon]

Censoring Is For When You’re Not Ready To Take Some Hits

Storage Rooms For Diaries; Hiding Secrets Behind Icy Lips

So, school work has been to a max lately. And exams are next week… I’ve been getting less and less sleep each night. The most pointless thing is that I’m studying so much at night that when I’m in class and supposed to be studying, I fall asleep. I’m at the breaking point. I know, I should be doing work right now, but I need to get away for a second. Then on the 27th, there’s the Snowball, which is basically our winter formal thing. And truthfully, I would rather not go. Why go to a dance when you know every girl just wants to go so they can flaut their newest boytoy? Well, fuck them. I’d rather be hideous than a complete heartless, idiotic, obnoxious, stuck-up bitch. So, fuck dates. Fuck boys that could care less about whether you actually like them, I mean, as long as they get what they want and you get to flaunt them, why does love or even like matter anymore? I’ve given up on love officially. Why keep hoping when all you find is the perfect boy that doesn’t see you? Oh, but that boy’s not even perfect. So, you just find yourself abandoned, a wallflower. Back where you started, standing against the shodowy walls watching from afar the pretty girls dominating their thrones. They may be worse of than me, but pretty is worth more than money these days. I guess I just failed from the start.

These days just don’t go by slowly anymore. One day after another, slamming into me as they pass in the halls, leaving their bruise on my “inflated ego” according to every Barbie doll. All I want to do is just lie down in the middle of a street and breathe. If I die, I’ll die. And if I don’t? Maybe I’ll find what who I’m looking for.

Oh my prince, did you get the memo? Princess is gonna go die. Could you just save her tonight?

I’ve lost all enthusiasm for life. It’s like my laughs are just fake until I find that boy that’s just never going to come. I want a boy that could say three words to me that’d make me cry for all the right reasons. Where’s my proof, oh god of love? You lied. Soul mates are for those that plasticate themselves. So, will I die alone? Will I pass your standards when I’m dead? I’m neither rich nor beautiful and I’m not close to charming. This is it. The search is over; all theories of “love” were proven to be false. Boy, you see? This is all that you can do to me.

I should stop writing about heartbreak, when there’s no love here. The room seems colder when I know what’s in store. I need the witch’s eye, to see my death. Will I see myself as I am now and collapse into oh cursed oblivion? Can I withstand this teardrop contest? Whoever you are, lover; I’ve lost my faith in you. I’ll see you in hell for all these things that I’ve done.

I’ve been crying for so long my tears came back into style. Jumped the bandwagon, I’m the most popular in my group of one. Seems like yesterday was the last day I saw the sun. Oh mister, you a bit sad too? These iron bars never held back so much potential. So much more I could’ve done.

Less Than Three;
Rikki [on the horizon]

Storage Rooms For Diaries; Hiding Secrets Behind Icy Lips

Boy Meets Girl Re-Done Into The 21st Century: Channing Tatum Marries Some Nameless Teenage Fangirl

Ever get the invisible feeling? Where you just turn super emo just start wishing you were dead because you can’t do a single thing without getting sternly spoken to? Yeah, that’s how I’ve been for a while. And the worst part is afterwards I just cry and I can’t help it. I just hate the feeling of being a disappointment to someone. The crying just makes me feel like even less, because I don’t want someone to feel like they can’t tell me what they think of me because I’m going to break down and overdose on drugs or something. Because I won’t! I swear. I just, I remember all those times where my mom, sister, friend, teacher, or whomever was basically yelling at me telling me what I do wrong. And memories apparently don’t know when they should just black themselves out. So, I just break down. It’s like my dying day everyday. I hate having a good memory sometimes, because every shitty thing I do… I always remember it and I just break down. Crying makes me feel juvenile and fragile. The worst of course is when the person sees me crying and then feels bad. I keep trying to say “I’m FINE! I’m JUST FINE!” and then it just comes out as a splutter of tears. I don’t need your sympathy. I just need to feel human again.

I just, I feel… complex. This whole week, I could hardly sum up how I’ve been feeling. I feel fake and stupid. I feel lonely and cold. I feel like I’m falling and I know no one’s at the bottom. All there is, is darkness. I feel pressured and nervous. There’s exams coming up next week and frankly, I’m just not ready. Neither studying wise nor mentally. I mean, soon the year is going to be over and soon there’ll be college. I’m scared, terrified. What do I want to do with my life? I used to think I wanted to be a doctor. Then a journalist. Then just the dream of being a rock star, psh… like that’ll happen. I guess, as for my future, all I really know is… well, I want to start a revolution. Not one of those ridiculous ones I joke about to my friends, a real revolution. I want to die feeling like I impacted someone. I want to die knowing I saved a life. Just like, as cheesy as this sounds, music and writing saves my life everyday. Everyone wants me to do something glorious with my life. I don’t know what I want anymore! I’ve been raised that I can do anything as long as I’m rich. Well, what if I’m not rich? What if I die searching for my dreams? Would you hate me? Even if I died wearing my first true smile on my face?

I want to impact someone. But isn’t that the dream of everyone? To die famous? Well, most of all I just want to save a life. I want to look down onto the future of the Earth as a dead soul and smile knowing I helped steer the world in the right direction. Aren’t I an idiot? I’m pretty much terrified of anyone popular. I’m just easily intimidated by them. I mean, if they’ve got so many people to talk to, why talk to someone that’s the true cause of awkward situations, sometimes just doesn’t reply, and would rather sit alone in her room singing to some song somehow related to suicide and typing the newest entry to her xanga.

I write crappy songs, poems, and stories. I’ve accepted it. I used to think that just maybe my “friend” was wrong when she said I couldn’t do anything. That’s why it’s so hard to talk to my friends sometimes. I’m always so terrified of saying something wrong or doing something wrong, I don’t think any of them actually know who I am. It’s like I’m a complete different person in my sanctuary, my room, and around my friends, sometimes even family. Does this make me paranoid? Or just idiotically antisocial? I’m a boring person, but I lie. I lie more than I should. I lie enough to get a job as an actress. I’m a mirror, I’ll show you what you want to see.

I like to write when I feel lonely because I can write someone into the poem or story and I feel like I have a friend that hasn’t completely deserted me yet. I cry more than I should, but I hate it. I’m a contradiction. I’m self-conscious and antisocial at times. But sometimes when I get nervous about talking to someone, I just talk and talk, sounding like a complete mindless idiot. I need someone to talk to other than my headphones and my blogs and journals. I want to feel needed. I feel like a complete failure at times. I lie a lot. I say, “I’m fine.” a lot. I pretend things don’t hurt and say things are fine when I’m about to break down. I hide in corners, hoping no one will ever find me. I’m afraid of butterflies. Sometimes I feel a little suicidal, but I’m a coward. I’m envious of most of the people in my life. I wish on stars and pray to nameless gods that someone will save me. I don’t like to sleep. I write on myself and others a lot. I’d feel more comfortable talking to a stranger I don’t know, as long as they don’t know who I am, than when talking to someone I know. I hate mirrors and pictures of myself. I wish I was pretty, because no matter what people say about inner beauty… even if I had it, no one gives a shit about that anymore. I like to sit and stare out my window a lot. I like to take pictures. I like singing when no one can hear me. I wish my life was like a cheesy romance movie. My one goal in life is to find my soul mate. Sometimes, I just don’t believe in love. I like wearing hoodies and keeping the hood up. Music’s my life’s savior. I get aggravated easily.

The confessional’s full of dirty thoughts and empty promises; I know you can relate.

“We’ll he’s on the table and he’s gone to code,
And I do not think anyone knows what they are doing here.
And your friends have left too, you’ve been dismissed,
I never thought it would come to this.
And I, I want you to know
Everyone’s got to face down the demons.
Maybe today, we can put the past away.”

Boy Meets Girl Re-Done Into The 21st Century: Channing Tatum Marries Some Nameless Teenage Fangirl