I Used To Say I Didn’t Care What You Thought, Then You Told Me

Is there anyone in this world that is truly who they are? Not just another filtered song so they could get played more. If one of you people out there can actually tell me that you are exactly who you are, inside and out, I’ll praise you, worship your existence, and ask you how.

How do you stay true to yourself when this whole world is too truthful for it’s own good?

Everyone says exactly what they think they want, “the truth”. But is truth really even what truth is supposed to be anymore? I mean, most of us just tell lies to each other to please the other when internally we’re saying exactly what you think. Maybe if I weren’t so weak, I could be one of the people who actually tell the truth and can hear the pure, unfiltered truth. But I can’t.

Everyone tells me what they think and then? I just come onto this very site to say how they’ve all done me wrong; how every single one is horrible; how maybe one day I’ll be up to their standards. But no. Just no.

It’s impossible for me to ever be at there standards, while staying myself. I can’t, I try to just say to myself that I don’t need their approval like I tell all my friends. But I lie, another one of my flaws that everyone can see right to. I want my mom to approve of me being who I am; love me for being this ugly, horrible, lower that imperfect, lower than human, little girl that I truly am.

Why can’t I be her? You know what I mean, that perfect girl that we lie to ourselves about and say doesn’t exist. But I’ve seen her. She actually goes to my school. Her and everyone of her perfect clones of friends. And me, I’m just that girl that can’t even buy a simple necklace that my mom approves of. It’s either too “punk” or “gothic” or it’s simply not up to par. Well, what am I supposed to do besides look disappointed when the one necklace I’ve been dreaming of getting for my bithday for around a year just isn’t good enough, just like me. I can’t help it if my taste doesn’t match. And I’m sorry if I can’t just “turn that frown upsidedown” and fake a smile anymore.

Why can’t she just respect my personal choice? Or at least respect it for a brief moment for my birthday? It would make another year easier. But oh no, life isn’t life if we were all happy. Is it wrong for me to feel so unappreciated? Maybe it’s just the fucked up emo bitch in me, but I feel like everyone in my life is just waiting for me to die. They’re all just waiting for me to disappear so they won’t ever have to hear a complaint from me or put up with my constant neediness. Well, I’ll apologize again for existing. For you not getting your perfect clone of your first perfect daughter. No, you didn’t get her sister. You got a failure, a daughter you wish you’d have known you were going to have. So you could’ve just had an abortion instead.

Don’t you see now? The ugliness in me. The ugliness no one should have to weigh down their soul other than me.

It’s just me;; Just me like always, trapped inside this mind of mine.

“And baby don’t follow their lead
‘Cause you’ll never know
Just how the story ends, or how the story goes
And you are so confused
And baby it’s just like you
To say anything else.”

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I Used To Say I Didn’t Care What You Thought, Then You Told Me

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