Greetings, to whatever reader/s I may have accumulated somewhere between my pathetic calls of S.O.S.! How has your day been? Oh, me? I actually got my haircut yesterday. Yeah, I was planning on getting it cut soon. It was getting to be below my waist-line. So, I cut it and donated 10 in. to Locks Of Love. Now it’s just below my shoulders! But as far as my day goes… well, mine’s been so… completely fucked up. Yeah, here goes the rant of the day.
Truthfully, I have no clue how I’m feeling at the moment. It’s like I’m standing on the very point between every emotion you can have. And it’s just confusing me to the point where I just need to crawl out of my head and watch as the world fades away. It’s just one of those days where I just want the world to disappear.
You don’t want to be me; take my word for it. Is it bad to be so completely jealous of your friends family and everyone around you? I mean, I know envy is one of the 7 deadly sins. Which is the very reason why I feel so horrible for having this crappy attitude with them. But it hurts that they’re lives are just so incredibly perfect. Yeah, a good friend would go, “Oh that’s so nice! I’m happy for you!” And that exactly what I’m trying to be, a good friend. So that’s what I say. But you know what? A true friend would have actually meant it.
Every day for me is a fucking war; but I don’t know who I should be fighting. It’s like everything is going so perfectly for them. My main prey of today’s rant will remain anonymous, so I can have some sense of freedom with the cruelty of my words. Maybe this is just karma’s way of telling me to just finally roll over and let her stab away at my heart. Because every single one of my friends is in complete heaven. My prey of today? She just found out that she can basically date her boyfriend and his friend that lives far away at he same time. See? She pretty much has two boyfriends and me? I’m sitting on my computer at 1:06 AM typing up a “fuck you” blog entry on Xanga. Yeah, that says it all. I mean is this supposed to be the turning point of the corny date movie drama of my life? Or is it just the end coming of a horror/suicide film? Because I feel like it’s going to go the the latter. Maybe karma’s just mad that I never sent those many chain letters.
They said, “say something nice or don’t say anything at all.” Well, that’s created a whole new face of me; did I take it too far? I always try my best to just force my cheeks into a smile and grin like I took one too many uppers to cure the moody-ness. [I’m not actually on any pills… maybe I should be? But they’re so expensive, I just smile and lie about “nothing wrong”.] Now it’s like I can’t even be real with my “best friends”. The people that were supposed to stick with me through thick and thin? Well, now it’s more like they expect me to stick with them through thick and thin. The “friends” that everyone says you should be able to confess every secret to? Well, you don’t feel very welcome to sharing anything when once you gather the courage you see:
SomeRandomPerson: hey can we get back to talking about me?
How can you tell them how you actually are feeling when they say that? And the worst part of this all is that we’re all trying so hard to sound like a good friend that we aren’t. When I’m feeling crappy and they’re feeling super happy, of course they ask, “are you ok?” But there’s no way I can just rain down on their parade with the truth like, “No, I’m not okay. I feel like diving off a cliff or sitting in the middle of a street. I feel like screaming that I hate you and I’m a horrible person. I feel like screaming that I need someone to actually care. I feel like telling someone what I really think about them, not this fluffed up shit I make up. I feel like throwing something and shouting till my lungs feel like they’ll burst. I feel like crying till my eyes go numb. I feel numb and pain at the same time. I feel confused and used and like writing. I feel lazy and tired. I feel jealous and just about any of the 7 deadly sins you can think of. Out of anything I feel, the least I feel is ‘ok’.” But oh of course, all I reply with is a, “yeah, I’m fine ^-^”. And this is why I write. Because as cliche and stupid as it sounds, writing is my life. Writing is every breath of fresh air that lets me know I’m still alive. Writing is the best friend that will hear me bitch and moan about my over-dramatic problems. It’s everything. I can tell people it’s not, just to make myself sound as normal as I like to pretend I am. But that’s a complete lie.
I’m so ready to just collapse. And I’m praying the world will just for once listen to my begging and just actually disappear. Because I’m not ready to talk to her and the little IM tab keeps flashing neon orange. I can’t face her and her writings of how happy and in love she is. This is what I write about and fantasize about how wonderful it is. Teenage love. But at the same time, it’s the very most vile thing to me. It completely disgusts me. What do you want me to say? There’s nothing as horrible as just comparing something to myself. So believe me, nothing, no bad names, swear words, expertly placed words, etc. could ever shock me. I know more than anyone on this Earth how vile I am.
The Revenge of the Damned, it’s simply the title to my biography.
“I always said that I would make mistakes
I’m only human and that’s my saving grace
I’ll fall as hard as I try
So don’t be blinded
See me as I really am
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin
So pull me from that pedestal
I don’t belong there.”